Website review

I paid a stranger online to find my soulmate

The Fiverr freelancer website has a thriving “Astrology and Psychics” section. For IRL, Josie Adams reviews some of her offerings.

Fiverr has been around since 2010, and over the past 12 years it’s grown alongside – and maybe even helped inaugurate – the concert economy. Working from short contract to short contract, or “gig to gig,” is nothing new for many creatives. But thanks to working from home and sites like Fiverr, it’s booming in many more traditional areas.

Thousands of freelancers use Fiverr to get gigs: translation and graphic design are probably what it’s best known for, but that’s the internet. There is a freelancer for everything. You can hire someone to draw furry artto create a mortgage payment scheduleWhere say a rosary for you.

There’s a lot to be said for the gig economy, and the low exploitation rate some professionals are forced to settle through online competition. But there’s one small section of Fiverr that’s grown like the perfect hustle: psychic services. Very few people make a full-time living from their magical powers, and many would struggle to find a deep pool of clients. The internet is changing that.

If you are browsing Fiverr Astrology and Seers Section you will find nearly 15,000 magical services available. Many have thousands of reviews, suggesting that customer demand is just as high as this supply. But can you really cast a spell via a computer? And how well can someone predict your future without ever seeing you?

This is a product review of three Fiverr mediums – I picked them based on their low cost and quick turnaround time, and they turn out to be just as good as real-world magicians. Interpret this as you see fit.

Concert 1: tarot reading

The tarot is a staple of commercial magic. There’s a tarot card reader at farmers markets, fairs, and there’s probably one in your group of friends. In mine, it’s me. But they’re still very tangible – you shuffle your own cards, and the reader will lean over a small desk to peer into the crevices of your face, trying to figure out if you’re deeply miserable, or a smoker, so they can offer some useful advice.

Online, there’s no way the psychic can cold-read you or ask leading questions. You simply send money into the tubes and get a basic three card draw.

My series of (extremely) short-lived tarot readings qualifies me as an expert judge of the matter.

Chris, a UK-based cartographer and “the toughest man in tarot”, had five-star reviews and a strong psychic lineage. “I have indigenous Highland Gypsy heritage and tarot runs in my blood,” said his announcement. “No medical or pregnancy questions please.”

I coughed up $13.43 in total, and 18 hours later Chris provided me with a video tarot reading that lasted over five minutes. It was filmed in a small dimly lit room and he kept saying my name. He was curious about life in New Zealand. He asked me questions that I couldn’t answer. It was inappropriately intimate and I recommend Chris’ services to singles only.

I won’t upload the video here, both because it’s a large file and because I feel like it was just for us. But the bottom line: I have sought growth, but instead I have to take a path that reduces stress. Towards the end of the year I will go on vacation to a snowy place that will remind him of The Cure’s Disintegration clip. I could run away.

Serenity, snowy Christmas and eternal love? Five stars for Chris.

Gig 2: Draw My Future Husband

For less than $15, Neo, a China-based mentalist and astrologer, draw my soul mate. Neo claims to have over 14 years of experience in the field of soulmate vision and a degree from Kyiv University of Linguistics. Their reviews are wonderful:

“More than I had hoped for,” said one. “More than I expected,” said another. My hopes and expectations were now through the roof. Will my future husband be Chris the tarologist?

It only took Neo 12 hours to read the stars and find out who my soulmate is. In the very detailed description that accompanied my photo, Neo explained that the better the design, the less precise it was: each subsequent refinement reduces the precision by 5-10%, they claimed. Either it was going to look like shit or it wasn’t going to look like my soul mate. I appreciate the wiggle room here as much as Neo, I’m sure.

In describing my future husband, Neo told me that he would “fear nothing”, be “socially responsible” and have lots of friends. “It can sometimes make you feel like you’re being overlooked,” Neo warned.

The image Neo sent was of Mr. Darcy, who has a friend and fears many things.

On the left, my soul mate drawn by Neo. At right, Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy.

I am not a professional soul mate artist but I strongly suspect that this drawing is a filter on a photograph. Unfortunately I can’t find this handsome young man via reverse image search – if you’re out there please contact me so we can get away.

Prompt and detailed service but, I guess, no magic power involved. Three stars.

Gig 3: A spell to get out of debt

Yes, I paid a stranger on the internet to get me out of debt. Yes, this internet stranger tried to sell me into getting into more debt to relieve my debt. Unfortunately for shilohcyrus7, I spent all my spare cash on cryptocurrency and only had enough for the basic $8 package: a single spell cast which appeals to the law of attraction, great spirit and the ever-abundant universe.

The debt I would like to settle: my $40,000 student loan and the $250 I owe my sister for an Airbnb. It was a big ask, but my doubts were irrelevant: “Your faith would be nice to have, but is not required,” said Cyrus, who claimed to represent something called the “12th SW7 Council” and his Ascended Masters. At 3 p.m. Eastern Standard Time (US) on Monday, May 30, my spell was cast “with positive energy and love.” A few hours later, I received an email from the IRD: a direct credit advice. Yes, the Ascended Masters themselves got me a tax refund.

I received $220 within 12 hours of purchasing this spell and can’t wait to see more abundance manifest. In their spellcasting confirmation, the council implored me to make a public statement. “If you declare your present need or your future wish as if it had already happened, you will no longer be mastered by lack, loss, unhappiness, problems or anything else.”

I state publicly here: I have no problem. I don’t have a student loan. I don’t want to buy bitcoins.

Paid for itself 15 times, five stars.

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